Aside from the winter my father died...

This has been the worst winter on record. Hmmm, maybe it has to do with any or all of the following:

* Living in Japan in super inaka.
* Being physically isolated and stuck in my apartment 5 out of the 7 nights of the week.
* Going into shiver overload trying unsuccessfully to get warm in front of the kerosense heater due to the lack of central heating.
* Japan: I love you/I loathe you"
* The lack of freedom and independence.

I can honestly say I have never felt so completely...ah, I can't think of an appropriate adjective. But I guess I can describe it: I sometimes feel like walking over to the wall and climbing it to the ceiling and crawling from one side to the other. And just staying there, just for the change...No, that doesn't quite do it. I can think of other things, but for fear you will try to have me checked in at Hotel Loony Bin, I will keep those ideas to myself. But suffice to say, my attitude this (past) winter has marked a real shift in my attitude. I internalize a lot more, to the point that it comes out in some heinous fashion, usually in someone's ear, to the point where I rather be standing outside naked. I look really normal on the outside, and more often than not, those close to me won't know that I'm having problems, but when it's revealed, it's quite spectacular, but in a very bad way. Thank God I don't have any vices or I would have become a very bad afterschool special.

But the good side (yes, there actually is a good side) is that I'm really reconciling what I can and can't change about me. For example, one thing I wanted to learn how to do is to live in the moment. You know, stop and smell the roses, be fully tuned in, etc. Well, what I've realized is I can't do this everyday, all the time. When I see something naturally beautiful, I can look at it, take it in, have it wash over me and fully appreciate it, or when I am having a great time, I'm fully there. But there have been some days, ok, a lot, over the past few months, that just suck ass. I think the fundamental reason why I don't try really hard to do "live in the divinity of the everday" is because I'm a planner to the core. Planning trips, financial planning, 5 year plans, planning just turns me on. So when things are crap, rather than trying to turn that frown upside down by hugging a tree (no pun intended, Shi), I sit down with my notebook and write about what I want to do. And that satisfies me. But unfortunately, since I have NO idea what I will be doing after JET, I'm at a stalemate. Oh, there are ideas. But I don't have enough info to make any headway. (I'm also a crazy researcher. ) I'm not going to get into the whys, but I can't move on the major planning til later. For short term plans, I also have to wait. Okinawa, Hokkaido, Kyoto, Hiroshima, Kobe and Tokyo are all on the horizon, but since it won't be going alone, I'll have to wait for schedule checks, consenses and the like. So this is teaching me to take one step at a time. I'm going to Montreal first, so I can just think about that for now, and that will have to do. You take the good, you take the bad...(ref?).

Another thing that is just eating at me is the total lack of freedom and independence. At first it was relaxing to take a break from my previously hectic lifestyle back home. You'd be hardpressed me to find me home in the spring, summer and autumn, and I would take the winter to chill out and stay indoors. If I wasn't window shopping, actually shopping, going to cinq a septs, going to birthday parties, dinners, game nights, the gym, the movies or some other excursion, I could be found watching the latest installment of Crap TV, reading books or glossys, or gabbing on the phone. I had a fun social life and carried around an agenda to be sure I could pencil you in. And of course I knew that life would change in Japan, but it was shocking just how inaka I'm in. No convenience stores, no fast food restaurants, no grocery stores, no movie theatre, shopping centres or gym. Everything is at least a 40 minute drive/train ride away, and that's just the basic survival stuff. Entertainment is even further away. Staring at the walls in my flourescent lit apartment while Japanese chatter spills out of the TV is not healthy. Thankfully, I have a phone, the Internet, great friends and a comfortable apartment. But as an extrovert, you gotta know I need people. I should have listened when my predecessors recommended getting a car. But I thought I could survive without one. Actually, if I was just staying a year, I could have probably stuck it out. But I'm now at the point where I can say FUCK THAT! So I did what I probably should have done months ago: I bought a car. And not just any typical Japanese car. I bought a full on pimp-mobile: (ahhh, picture to come - Blogger pic uploading is down).
Yeah, I know it's a little excessive, but I wanted a four door sedan with a CD player, and I got that and more. When I was really needing one, a message came over the listserv and I was lucky enough to get it. I got a really good price on it so I'm really happy. This will relieve so much of the cabin fever that's been really strangling me the past little while. I'll be able to exhale soon...

Anyway, it's bright and sunny now and I think I will go for a run after school. I'll have my english conversation class tonight and hit the sack early.

Oh yeah, yesterday I was pretty proud of myself because I had to go to City Hall solo to get some preliminary paperwork done for the car. I had forgotten my dictionary and I had no one to help me out. Luckily, I knew what to ask for and I spent about 30 minutes chatting with a really nice lady who speaks no English, filling out some forms in Hiragana, using all my faculties to understand what the staff wanted and just doing the best I could. And the father of a student who will be starting Grade 1 in April asked if I could tutor his daughter in the near future. He mentioned something about food so I guess that will be my payment. More details will follow as they came. But it felt good to assert my independence yesterday. Real good.

I promise to post the graduation photos the next chance I get.