Trying out this meditation business...

I'm not really one for yoga, or seperating the mind and body or sitting still for too long. I get distracted then I start making up lists in my head or asking myself questions like "Did I leave the iron on?" and "What should I have for dinner?" But I read an article in this month's O Magazine that gave me pause for thought. Oprah interviewed Hugh Jackman of X-Men fame and it seems that he's a really deep guy. He went to a school for philosophical thinking, he meditates to centre himself and he seems to have his shit together without sounding like a know-it-all. I mean, I don't know the guy, but that didn't stop me from hearing his message. By stilling ourselves and taking a couple of minutes to connect with the most important person in the world (ourselves), we can be better. I aim to be a better daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, teacher and person. I ulitmately hope to be a wonderful wife and mother. While I currently try really, really hard to be all those things, what I'm aiming for right now is to get some clarity for what I want to do with my life.

This has been a needle in my brain for the past 10 years, pretty much around the time I left the Health Sciences program at John Abbott to pursue studies in the creative/communication arts. After giving up my dream of becoming a doctor (I simply do not have a brain for chemistry or physics - it's too finite, too strict), I've sort have been just floating. I consistently do well in every field I tackle : government relations and communication, public relations, marketing, and educational administration, but I have yet to find that passion at work. I've always believed it's important to find that connection with work, to be fully engaged for the 8 hours a day that we are there, but I've come to think that perhaps I just don't have a passion for anything work-related. What stokes my fires are traveling, reading, doing domestic things and caring for my family. I think I'm seeing work as more of a means to my ends: work to make money to travel and working to obtain benefits that will serve me and my family.

I've thought about moving in to a career in community development, international affairs, or in education as a teacher, and while these prospects excite me for a (short) while, the flame is not sustained and is extinguished. So now I'm trying to close the gap between what I want to do and what I should do.

At the Tokyo Re-contracting conference, I attended a workshop for women to address issues facing us in Japan. At one point, someone said that she was disappointed that when she asked her students what they wanted to do in life, most of her female students responded that they wanted to be a mother and a wife. While the room erupted into tsk-tsks and pompous laughter, I sat very still and asked myself "well, what's wrong with that?" What is wrong about wanting to make life better for those closest to you? Granted, I'm not the Leave It to Beaver type, but really, are we as feminists, male or female, too hardened, too selfish, too cynical to admit that there is nothing wrong with the woman who chooses to stay home and be of service to her family?

Admittedly, when I was younger, I thought climbing the corporate ladder, getting that big paycheque and corner office, and living to work was what every woman should aspire for. But now, my ideas and myself have changed. I'm not saying that I'm going to chuck it all and stay home baking all day while dressed in a mu-mu. That's not me. But I can't look down on anyone who chooses to.

So, during my time of stillness when I meditate, or some definition of the word, I aim to get over the guilt I feel for not wanting that crazy impressive career with the long hours, the stingy recognition and the soul-sapping bureaucracy. I aim to feel better about thinking about my future career as a series of interesting jobs that I applied for because I knew they'd keep me stimulated and happy. I aim to use each job as a way to make myself and my family more comfotable without sacrificing my health, my mental well-being and my skin (stress causes wrinkles you know - yeah, I'm thinking about the big things). I aim to have no regrets so that when I'm on my death bed, I could feel fulfilled and contented.

This may be a tall order, but I think that it will pay off. One thing that I've learned over the years is that I can do anything.

Sorry if this is all jumbled. Just your usual Friday afternoon thoughts...(spurred on by a discussion with my JTE)