Today, I ate to mollify my pain...

I would never call myself an emotional eater because I deal with my issues without such crutches as food, drink or drugs. I usually talk it out, go for a walk, listen to music or do any number of a variety of healthy activities. But sometimes, just sometimes, when I feel down and out, I need a taste of the familiar. You know, comfort foods. Those foods that can calm us down, with just a whiff of its scent before consuming it. Pillsbury cookies or cinnamon rolls. Homemade banana bread or apple pie. Hot chocolate with half and half. Oh joy. But since I had none of these at my disposable today, I ate one of my other comfort foods - french fries. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me back up.

It was a rough day at school today. I had a class of 7 (usually there are 10 but 3 were away) that nearly overwhelmed me with their constant chatter and raucous behaviour (thank you, S-sensei, for controlling yet ANOTHER brillant class [sarcasm, sarcasm, sarcasm]), I got hit in the head AND the stomach with a ball, and a huge world map fell on my head. I won't even get into the fact that a bear was spotted near the school this morning. But there were smiles, jokes and tickles in there too, so it was survivable. Ahhh, so is the life of an ALT in Japan. But more personal matters weighed on my head. The biggest one was being absolutely annoyed by the seemingly popular opinion that I am intimidating.

Since coming to Japan, I've heard this opinion expressed time and time again by males who think I'm so exotic, so attractive, but EEEEK! Too intimidating. Intimidating is synonymous with scary, unapproachable, daunting... And I'm not like that, the majority of the time. I know how to assert myself when the situation calls for it, but being people usually come to Japan alone, you have to be open, inviting, and welcoming, the antithesis of intimidating, if you want to make friends. If you want to survive.

I can say without doubt that I am strong, confident, opinionted, able to stand up in what I believe in, and not willing to take any shit. How is this wrong? I couldn't possibly be the person I am, survived the shit I have, if I wasn't raised this way. This public diary is no place to share everything, but I can assure you, things could have gone down a VERY wrong road for me. So I like who I am. I'm proud of who I am. I don't think there is too much more to improve. So why does it feel like punishment when people think that I'm a ferocious cannibal without feelings, ready to maul anyone who missteps (well, that's only when I'm PMSing, but that's 1 day out of the month, even if it happens. Besides that, I'm a very reasonable human being. But I'm digressing)?

I think that it's almost humourous when people say "you look like you don't take any shit," without me saying anything. But is isn't that suppposed to be a good thing, an attractive quality in a person? One friend said that he wanted someone to take his shit. I had to laugh. At least he was being honest.

That's all to say that I felt hurt today which led to being lonely, more lonely than I've felt in a long time. I literally ached for the familiar, for some comfort. I thought about the weekly free dinners at a Ste. Catherine eatery (whose name has escaped me) with strong girlfriends, eating good food, and sharing stories from our fabulous lives. I thought about seeing my friends stand up for themselves and not let anyone take advantage of them. I thought a lot about my former life and I had to smile at the good memories. So with the help of the self-cut, self-fried french fries, I got a little piece of the familiar and felt myself regenerate. It felt good to quench my pain with the fat from the oily fries and the memories in my mind. No matter where I go and where I end up, I'll always be fine, even if I have to bust a few heads a long the way.